gary

In the end, you think about where it all began.  So here’s a little story about me from the start.  It’s gonna be deep, straight from the heart.

When I was growing up, I had such low self-worth.  I felt as though I didn’t belong on this earth.  I had a self-image I could easily diminish.

A statement I feel I can’t make any clearer…I hated myself, and who I saw looking back in the mirror.

I wasn’t born this way, but with the absence of guidance and instruction, I conditioned myself to sabotage and self-destruction.

Day after day, I hoped someone would pick me up and show me a better way, but the help never came, so there I lay continuing to play life as a game.

I didn’t know any better, I thought the whole world was just gonna come to me.  If I knew then what I know now, boy would I have played my hand differently.

Sooner rather then later, the world I’d created became more and more contaminated as my actions became more outlandish and more and more animated.  When you’re nominated to obey fiction and addiction, your whole well-being will be totally dominated.

Forever it seemed like I was lost inside, “I know something and I’m no good” constantly racing through my mind, arrogant and insecure all at the same time, but myself I could not find…

Feeling alone, I opted to be self-reliant, so almost instinctively, I became defiant.  Thinking that the world was always against me, advice had to be force-fed through my ears, into my head, because without a doubt spiritually, I was dead.

The moral commandments I hung on my wall for so long were frozen.  Only to be thawed out, and used again from the warmth of a higher power finally chosen.  And to my surprise a possible cure for my infection…GOD, aka Good Orderly Direction.

He told me to put my ego away and on the shelf, and to practice rigorous honesty when taking a look at myself.  Blaming everyone else for all my problems was always the key, until I unlocked the door, looked inside, and saw that the problem was really me.

Then I took a look at my attitude, and it was pretty obvious, I could use a lot more gratitude.

With a basic blueprint of recovery right in front of me, I could see, that this is about changing not re-arranging insanity.  If I can combine the right state of mind, everything will be just fine, and I can live a sober life with time.  I’m sick and tired of making the same mistakes and finding out how to do things the hard way.

Today, I am taking suggestions, keeping it simple, and just living in the day.

Today, I am walking with my head held up high facing the world, not facing down toward the floor.

Today, I am a man who is a lot more assertive, someone you can trust and be more sure of.

Today, I don’t need to use other people for my own gain, cause I’ve let go of the past, the guilt and the shame.  I’ve taken away the frustration and the anger, and replaced the feelings by giving back to my family, friends, and even a stranger.

I also figured out a way to deal with reality with a tool called coping, the way you use it is by staying honest and by being open.

Somebody asked me why I don’t write about the good things in my life, and I told her I couldn’t see any of them because inside there was no light.  But that wasn’t true, that was just me being me, sarcastic right on cue.

One thing is for sure, I’m not perfect and I’m definitely not cured.  I’m a work in progress playing trial and error hoping for happiness.

What I’ve been given today has no price tag and is not for sale, it’s a gift from God knowing who I am even to the smallest detail.

Today, I am grateful for not having to use drugs or alcohol and for not feeling lifeless.

Today I am grateful, because being able to find myself and not having to say I’m sorry for whom I really am…is priceless.