sarah

My life today is beyond my wildest dreams.  I never understood what that meant until I had the willingness to recover from my addiction.  I was in a hopeless state of mind, unable to be honest with anyone, including myself.  Addiction took me to a dark place, darker than I could’ve imagined.  Even when I hit my bottom there was a trap door.  Things that I thought would never happen to me did.

One of the misconceptions about addiction is that we have a choice.  People think by just having a little bit of will power, we can change our destructive behavior.  I had no choice.  No matter how badly I wanted to stop my pain and get help, I couldn’t put down the drug.  I didn’t know any other way of life, I was used to my misery.  I would wake up every morning with the determination to stay sober.  Later in the day I would sit, high, and wonder how I got there.

I knew I was different from a very young age.  I always did things to fit in even if I didn’t want to do it.  My feelings of insecurity and inferiority led me to my first drink.  Those feelings led me to my second drink, my third and so on.  When I was finally faced with the choice of suicide or changing my life, I decided to open my mind to recovery.  I was afraid because I was 17 and felt like my life was over.  I was the only one I knew that was even considering the thought of sobriety, and I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

My first 30 days of recovery were spent in a 28-day program and my house.  I was resentful, stubborn, frustrated, and withdrawing.  I didn’t want to get help.  I just wanted to die.  I struggled a lot in my first 30 days.  I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do with my life.  After 120 days and one rehab later, I decided to surrender.  These last 30 days have also been a struggle, but instead of drinking and drugging because I’m going through a rough time, I turn to family and friends for support.

I don’t regret anything that has happened to me.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  God meant for me to go through what I did so I could become the person I am today.  Some people tell me I’m lucky, I like to think of it as blessed.  I was on an express train going 200 mph towards a brick wall.  I didn’t get off a few stops before…I jumped off a split second before it crashed.

I have accomplished so much in my life.  The thing I’m most proud of is my voice.  I have learned to use my voice to make a positive impact.  I no longer am the voice of negativity and sorrow, but hope and strength.

Today, I am a beautiful young woman in long-term recovery, with a life of endless opportunities ahead of me.  With the support of family, friends and my 12 step program, I can recover.  I will not let my disease define me.